The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open - Chuck Palahniuk
Nothing about this is going to be eloquently written or in my typical demeanor. I'm writing this post off of raw emotion. I don't plan to go back and re-write it, I won't fix typos or erase something that I write despite how I may feel about it once I'm done. I don't write enough off of emotion. It's all so calculated in fear of being judged. I keep certain things sacred and close to the chest. Feeling too vulnerable to unleash such things to world and to my followers. I've never tried or wanted to portray myself as a perfect person. I'm flawed like everyone. I have a temper, I lash out and I tend to be a tad dramatic at times. Yet, I've calmly calculated my posts. I've allowed myself to calm before I write. Not this time. I want to blog in the moment. Unleash what Derek is actually feeling. And no, I swear that I never refer to myself in the third person. It just fits with the point that I'm trying to get across. Forgive me for being candid. Or don't.
What is love? No, I don't mean the cheesy 80's song. I mean the gut-wrenching, soul twisting, addicting thing that is called love. And how does one process or even begin to analyze ten years of it? Something many people know gritty details of because how do you keep that underwraps? How do you keep the mess from other people? You can't. It is im-fucking-possible. Not simply because people are nosy and will always wedge their way into your business, but because love will read all over your face. Those emotions, those feelings, an ever changing facial expression due to one single person. It's a spark that at times may dull but other times bursts into this flame that you can't manage to quite put out. A never ending circle constantly churning until you hit the same point you were at before. And yet, you cling to those high points. Those moments of sweet, sweet fucking bliss when you can't imagine your life with another. Only to be reminded of what a tragic pain love can cause just days later. How it twists in your gut and your heart feels ready to combust. I'm not being dramatic, I'm just stating fact.
I've always been a firm believer that love is so much stronger than we as people. Something we so desperately desire yet rarely find. I should feel lucky, right? Because when it's good it is so fucking good. It's real and it's there and it's almost like I can just breathe him in. He makes me feel more alive than I ever have just by a simple glance or a touch. Or when he plays a song that I know is just for me when I'm sitting alone, questioning everything that is us. I'm realed back in. I ache for him in ways I didn't know were possible. There's no rehab for that. There's no cocktail to rid you of this toxic feeling. Because feelings are the one thing we truly can not control. They are there, fight them, ignore them, but they will always be there and so fucking real. So raw.
Ten years. Ten years without a commitment. Without a title. Just 'the dude he hangs with'. How is that even tangible? Why do I hold on? What am I holding onto? What are we doing? What have we done to each other? Who are we now? All racing through my mind like a mouse in a maze. Bumping into wall after wall to get to the desired end point. I'm not getting there though. We are always almost there but we will never quite get there. We will never be we, us will never be us. We are not an item, we are two seperate beings. Which is fire and which is gasoline? I believe we trade off depending on the day. He infuriates me like no other. Crawls underneath my skin and it burns like lava. A hit of a drug and I'm hooked. It's fucking madness. Insanity actually, by definition.
Love must be folie a deux because he is the love of my life, he is my other half. No one can make me cry one moment and then an hour later bring a smile to my face. It's sick and so fucking cheesy but 1000% the truth. He is the one that knows me better than I know myself. He sees through me. He's my reminder that humanity is not completely lost. You would think that we have it made, right? Wrong. If only we could find a common ground. A compromise in order to make this work in a functional way. We thrive off of the disfuntion - the back and forth, the drama. Though a hopeless romantic I am also a realist. And the realist inside of me knows that a solid relationship is a goddamn pipe dream. An idea that will never see the light of day. Nothing will ever be cohesive between us. We will never be forged into happily ever after, into forever. Nothing will fall into place the way that I so desperately want it to. Maybe I'm just pathetic for clinging to hope, to an idea. I trick myself into believing that he'll change. That he'll be a man and quit running from me like a coward. I may just be a masochist because the more he pushes, the more that he runs, the more I just want to chase him to keep him as close as I possibly can without suffocating.
I'm sick. I'm a fool. I am selfish. I am his beating heart. I am every tear I have poured into a cover of a sappy love song. I am every fight we have ever had. I am 50% to blame for everything that we drag ourselves through. Yet, I love him with every fiber of my being. Somewhere buried deep inside of me knows that this man is my soulmate. We spent our lives searching for one another to become...this. Maybe this is our destiny. Or maybe I should finally pull the plug on it all and move the fuck on.
Until next time.
- Derek Bosman
